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10:42pm 24/04/2013
  Add another girl to the list of people who end friendships by unfriending me from all social networks. very mature  
01:18am 16/08/2012
  It's been two years
Two years and this is still looming over my relationship
11:34pm 12/12/2011
  i hate it here, i hate it here, i fuckin hate it here
this apartment is horrible
its not home
i can hear the people two floors above me
i have to take sleeping meds to even try to sleep
my roommate is really fucking messy and has two cats that she doesnt clean up after
did i mention that all she does is smoke pot?
i came home today and there are pizza crusts on the carpet
i havent unpacked because i know in my heart that this is not home
and i hate it here
10:56pm 25/08/2011

I need to:

1. Edit my essays for Amsterdam
2. Braid my hair for Burning Man
3. Buy last minute supplies for Burning Man
4. Finish sewing my EL wire onto my camel pack

All before Sunday.

12:32pm 19/08/2011
  To do list for the next week:
1. Finish essays for Amsterdam!
2. Stuff 150 envelopes for Midori
3. Pack for Burning Man
4. Figure out Burning Man logistics, ie, food and gear
5. Possibly find housing?
6. Work 40 hours a week

Fuck, can I finish this in a week?
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07:43pm 14/08/2011
  I've spent too much time in my head lately.

I've been in a bit of a low point.

I'm not sure what to do though,
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07:22pm 27/07/2011
  So at my groups potluck, someone brought "cookies." I started eating one and noticed it tasted funny. It was beef. I started shaking, and ran and threw up and cried for like an hour in my bathroom.
Not one person from my program came to check on me. Not one. There were over twenty people see me cry and start getting stick. I didn't make one fuckin friend here. Thank the lord I am leaving these people.
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01:42am 27/07/2011
  okay, im going to say it

Going without sex or intimacy for a month is BALLS

I don't know how people do it
10:01pm 24/07/2011
  Okay Good Vibrations, let's try this again.

Not only am I applying to your management position,
but I now have attended a Sex Institute in Amsterdam

and will be getting references from your toy vendor

and will be getting references from my bosses

Let's do this dance
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10:37pm 23/07/2011
  Just learnt that my friends are getting a divorce. I'm in a little bit of a sad hole right now. Though I understand their decision (she wants kids, he doesn't), I am just really bummed out. They were the first polyamorous relationship I had ever seen, and I have based a lot of my relationship skills off of what they taught me. *sigh* I can only wish them the best. But I am sad  
07:06pm 12/07/2011
  Feeling a little lost and lonely in Amsterdam  
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01:13pm 02/07/2011

This is the most common response I get when I tell people my intention to study sexuality and non normative sexual behaviors/lifestlyes. On the flight from San Francisco to Minnasota (which is where I swtiched planes to go to Amsterdam) the guy sitting next to me asked me why I was going to Amsterdam. I told him that I was going to study the sexual culture of the community and study under well known sex professors surrounding topics like gender, sex in art, teen sex culture, and prostitution. He paused and looked at me (Well, he turned his head. Airplanes don't give much room to look at the person next to you) and with a furrowed brow, asked "Why?"


"Why not?" would be the best response I can think of. People ask me this all the time, usually trying to figure out what happened in my life to lead me to study such a taboo topic. As if studying sex meant that I had been sexually abused, or am questioning my own sexuality. Sorry to dissapoint, but I grew up knowing that I was attracted to both sexes and never had any sexual trauma growing up. My parents ask me "Why?" every few months, why do I keep persisting this area of study. I think that they would rather have me go into psychology or school teaching, two areas that I studied in college.

In Amsterdam, no one questions me. True, it is probably because I live in a dorm full of other sex enthusiasts, but it is incredibly refreshing to talk bluntly to a receptionist or information desk about where to find the best spots to observe the sexual culture. My welcome packet to the program included a condom. I think I almost cried with happiness.

The beauty if this place is that no one cares when it comes to sex and gender. What they care about is behavior. For example, the public toilettes have one entrance for both male and females sexes, with the male section on one side, the female on the other. There is no weirdness that they bathrooms are basically used by everyone. There are signs warning that decent behavior is expected, and any misbehavior will cause action. So if someone makes a non-consentual act towards another, they will be handed over to the police and most likey fined. It's a pretty wonderful concept, especially for those who do not identify with male or female gender labels. They don't get hassled, questioned, and if that ever happens, the lavatory worker would step in. There are also public urinals for men, which are plastic columns for urination. It is very common to walk down the street and see these being used. The point of them is not to expose ones genitalia to the public (there are actually little walls to ensure some privacy) but to stop intoxicated men from urinating in the street. There is no shame in using them, and they keep the busy bar areas quite clean.

I have yet to visit the famous Red Light district, but I am very very happy about the behavior instructional in guide books. Again, behavior is the key word in this community. Good behavior is a sign of respect. The guide books remind visitors that the Red Light district is a family neighborhood, with children and community privacy. Visitors are told to respect the neighborhood. Though it may sound strange for tourists to hear the families live in this prostitute thriving area, this is real. Prostitution is legal, and is considered a legit job, just like florists or waiters or plumbers. They are in the service oriented professional community, and they deserve respect. Personally, I can only hope that one day I can live in a society like this. There is 24hr surveillance to ensure the safety of the workers and proper behavior is required. Because sex is so blatant in this community, outsiders and tourists assume that this means that everything is allowed. Therefore they get extremely intoxicated in public, scream, urinate in the streets, use hard drugs, and drink outside. There is a reason locals are not too friendly to tourists, and this is why. A relaxed sexual environment does not meant that you get to act like an ass.

I love love love love that prostitutes are treated with respect in this community. Tourists are not allowed to treat them as weird spectacles but taking pictures of them, shout at them, and use bad language towards them. These are all arrestable offences. You also cannot solicit them on the street, as that is not where they work. If you were a dentist you would really hate it if someone can up to you on the street and asked you to give them a cleaning. They'd have to go to your office for something that that. Same thing with prostitutes.

It's been a little more than 24hrs being here and I am overjoyed by this communities sense of mutual respect and "normalness" of sex.

So "Why?" Because I believe society should normalize sex, and make it a non-taboo subject
12:57am 30/06/2011
  can't sleep. too nervous/exited  
10:32pm 24/06/2011
  Tomorrow I leave Santa Cruz

I can't stop shaking
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03:29pm 10/06/2011
  Recognized a girl from my childhood on kink.com. Do I message her letting her I know and support her/won't tell anyone? Or do I just pretend I don't know? If I keep attending events there, we may eventually run into each other.  
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09:44pm 01/06/2011
  One month from today I will be out of Santa Cruz, in Amsterdam, with no real place to live. Adventure is scary.  
08:28pm 07/05/2011
  happy anniversary to walter and i
one year
my longest relationship yet
08:55pm 25/04/2011
  I used to beat you with belts and now I just want to give you hugs and tell you every things going to be okay, even if it won't be. I'm sorry things fell through, but I still think of you and wish you the best, if that helps.  
03:37pm 19/04/2011
  Making decisions.

I applied to grad school as a way to get out of santa cruz. Though I did get into some, I think I need to take more time and look at more programs. Grad school should not be my way of escape.

Still leaving SC, probably going to stay with my parents while I reevaluate what it is I intend to do with my life. Honestly, this is scary, but a lot less scary than going to a random program just because I got into it.
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11:48pm 04/04/2011
  I got into Humboldt

an option for my life
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